Karen

11:35 a.m. - 2004-04-05

So I thought I’d just have a single page to gripe about Karen - I don’t want to keep plugging up my blog page full of how I feel about one person that really isn’t part of my life anymore so I’ll just keep updating this page and link it when I make a new entry. I want to emphasize that I’m only blogging this because it makes me feel better to put my feelings on paper - I’m not crazy or obsessed…I’ve just found it to be a good way to relieve some frustrations.

So here’s the latest update.

April 15/04

yeah, so I finally got pissed off and wrote Karen a "thank-you so very much, you're a great person but I can't handle this shit so we shouldn't talk anymore" letter. It made me feel good to get it off my chest - I actually had a couple tears in my eyes when I wrote it - I wasn't expecting that. Anyways, I sent it off and as per usual, no response. So, I finally think I have some closure here. I feel better about everything now :). I'll probably always miss her in my way but at least I can say that I did ALL that I could - and if she still didn't want or respect me enough, it's her loss. So, I'm hoping that this will be my last entry on the infamous Karen and I can start worrying about other girls ;).

March 04

I was online for a bit yesterday and Karen logged on. I’m usually pretty good but stupid me HAD to say hi. I don’t know why I do it really..it just tortures me even more. I don’t get anything out of it, I just can’t stop myself, I just always seem to want to talk to her. It’s like I’m waiting for some form of completion - good or bad. I think I’ve decided that I can’t be just friends with her though - she effected me too much. Almost all of the women I’ve liked and/or dated I could easily be friends with, or are still friends with. I’ve easily in the past cut any emotional ties and I enjoy staying in touch and being friends with. Perhaps in a couple years or after I move on and get another serious girlfriend things will change - but for now it’s just too hard. Now the problem is that I can’t NOT talk to her..hahaa…there ya go….so whattya do??! Anyways, she was online, and I asked her how her trip to San Andres Colombia went. Now here’s the thing, she just put that in her lavalife profile a couple days ago supposedly, and I think she got pretty alarmed that I knew about it already. It really was no biggie - sometimes when I’m bored I go on lava and “peruse” the merchandise to kill some time. I had to get up early for hockey on Saturday so I saw her on lava (she was still on my hotlist there). I rarely check her profile out - it was just coincidence that I was online when she was. Anyways, she was pretty concerned that I was still “checking up” on her - which I guess I can’t blame her too much, it has been almost 2 yrs. I didn’t know what to say really - you have to understand that for the most part I’ve totally gone on with my life. It’s just situations like those (aka. See her on lava, msn, accidentally come across her photo) when I think about her again. I all of a sudden felt really bad - not only does she not want to be with me, now she probably thinks that I’m some crazy assed stalker..lol.

The funny thing is that I don’t exactly know WHY I still care about her so much. I’ve never been so hung up on someone before - not like this. What’s my problem?? The relationship itself was a lot of fun, and she’s a great person, but I know I can find someone else. Anyways, soon after that she also said something to me that hit home for some reason. She said she felt bad for hurting me so much. This really shocked me actually - I thought I hid this well from her, especially the last year or so. I barely ever talked to her, and when I did they were pretty short conversations. Maybe she reads me better than I thought she did - or maybe it’s because I do stupid things like bring up details of her lava profile almost 2 yrs after breaking up…hahaa. Anyways, she went off to make supper and then said she couldn’t talk because her stomache ached (which in my mind, means she just didn’t feel like talking to me..lol). I have a feeling that she’s probably hooked on to another guy - but that’s really none of my business…and really has nothing to do with how I’m feeling.

Here’s another point that I don’t think Karen realizes. In our relationship I was so concerned about impressing her or trying to make her happy that I wasn’t completely myself. I think part of the reason why she may have been a little iffy with me is that I was pretty reserved when I was with her - she’s been the only girl I’ve been THAT reserved with - like I say, mainly because I was concerned so much about what her impression was of me. I have such a wild side ;) - but I didn’t get to show that to her…lol. Sometimes I wish I could go to her house, throw her over my shoulder and just do what I want to her…lol. Oh well, k cera cera..lol.

"If you don't like what I say fuck off, who cares, no one really likes you anyway"

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